Matthew, Clement & Justin

About Matthew
‎"It was 12pm mid-day on Falomo bridge. I walked up to his car, a golden Toyota Camry. 
The reflection of the sunlight almost prevented me from seeing his face. But I saw it; he looked well-fed and humane; probably 35 years old cladded in white native. It looked like he was on the phone. That was my cue. I emptied my eva bottle of water and soap on his windscreen before he could turn on his wiper in defence; I earned N100 for that act. 
My name is Matthew. I run a traffic mobile cash-wash!!

About Clement
OK. I am checking out the man as he walks up to the swing door and entrance to the eatery where I am. He is with wife and their son. He is wearing white linen pants with a blue teeshirt. He is holding a blackberry phone (Chei- Bold5, bigz boi- I think to myself). 

His wife has this expensive weave-on and is looking chic in her long flowing Ankara dress with flowery patterns. Their son seems lost in his ipad viewed through thick almost binoculars-like eye glasses. 
“What are you having Tomiwa” says the man, as he opens the door.

“I am ok. I think it is noteworthy to state that I am really concerned about your cholesterol level, dad. Your choice of food these day is, for the lack of a better word, unbecoming” replied the 11 year old Tomiwa.
(“Butter” I thought “that is N1million a term plus bi-annual tour round Europe speaking”). 
“Good afternoon”.
“Don’t worry son. Daddy will have a six-pack, soon”.
“It is not about looking healthy; it is about feeling healthy. There is a discipline to everything. And knowing this is the secret to longevity” he continues.
“Tomiwa, this internet has started turning your head again. Bimbo, listen to your son”. She wasn’t interested in their conversation. She chatted away on her phone slowly moving from their company. 
“Can I be excused? David, just get me a bottle of water” replied Bimbo.
“ Can I have two meat pies, one fanta and a donut . Oh and for Bimbo, a bottle of water, please”. 
“120+120 that is N240. N240+N100+N100+N70 that is emmm N510” I thought to myself looking towards his hand as he pulled out a N1000 note.
“Sir for change,do you have N10 so I can give you N500”said the server. 
“Ah! And I just used it” he exclaimed. 
The server gave him the change in the denominations:
* 1 two hundred naira note, 
*2 one hundred naira notes, 
*1 fifty naira note, 
* and 2 twenty naira notes. 

I lit up, knowing I might still have a chance. As he walked to the where I was, I gladly opened the door. 
My response wasn’t with my initial tone; there wasn’t that blandness of the “Good afternoon” I had welcomed them with. 
Instead, my response had a glow to it and an expression of my desire-
“Oga, Happy Weekend, sir” I said with a salute and a smile.

My name is Clement. I am the security officer at the new MasterBiggs restaurant in Akute.

About Monday
Today the streets are clear. With this, I can’t help but wonder, how will I pay my rent, which is due today? The Easter holidays made this Monday quite uneventful. We sat for hours and waited for a miracle; for something. I remember yesterday’s inspirational message: I remember the pastor speak about hope because “our God works in mysterious ways”. 
Just then, Rasidi's call came through my mobile ph

one.

“E don happen” was the 1st thing he said.
A tanker had collided with a luxurious bus along the narrow Akute Road. The luxurious bus was carrying passengers on their way to Benin from the just concluded Israelites in Nigeria Mission’s Church annual convention titled “Condemn all your enemies to God’s judgment” which, according to reliable sources, attracted over 20,000 people from across the globe. Nobody was hurt; but the accidents caused a serious gridlock around the area.
YOU COULDN’T EXPECT TO SPEND LESS THAN 2 HOURS FOR A 20 MINUTES JOURNEY!!!!

I approached an Okada to take me to the scene. Imagine the okada man tried to charge me N80 instead of N50; the guy was trying to make money over what just happened, because of what I do. I showed him, that I myself, sabi Lagos. As I hopped on the okada towards the scene, I couldn't help but feel a little less tensed about my rent:
-Rasidi had settled the area boys for the three of us (to include Tolu) to operate freely around the Water Corporation side of the road;
-And what made it even better for Rasidi and I was Tolu was opting out as he was chatting up a girl from his village called Bisi …. and things were looking really “positive” for him; “going down tonight” positive.

“MY GUY the hammer of today no go get part 2. All of the people never break dem fast”-was Rasidi last statement before I headed off to meet him.
Truly our God works in mysterious ways- I thought.

My name is Justin. I sell pure water along the Pen Cinema traffic in Agege, Lagos State.

Guy-Man-no-dey-come-Last finishing College, Igando, Lagos State

Do you have a good upbringing? Are you well trained & well schooled? Do you live in Lagos (or intend to live in Lagos State)?

If your answer is “Yes” to all the above questions, my response is “Really”? Reason why I asked that question is because settling into Lagos would be a major challenge for you.

But help is here!! Guy-Man-no-dey-come-Last finishing College, Igando, Lagos State is where you want to be.

Since time immemorial, living in Lagos has never been for the faint hearted. Researchers have stumbled upon documents of Lagosian using false bottoms in barrels of palm oil for sale to the white-man, as far back as the 15^th Century. Can you imagine what these people would have evolved to? The modern Lagosian is a madman!!

And that is where we come in. We assist you adjust to the Lagos scene. Be you a professional, a medical practitioner, an okada driver, a bus driver, a government official, a law enforcement agent and even a religious leader.

We have experts from all over the world trained in the act of irresponsible behaviours from some of the most unliveable cities in the world. From Harare, Dhaka, and even Baghdad, seasoned specialists are available to provide you with case studies and 1^st hand examples of tactics you can adopt to ensure your adjustment to living in Lagos is seamless.  

Our facilities are well equipped with state of the art gadgets capable of providing simulation of life in Lagos. After four to sixteen weeks of extensive training, you will learn how to:

1. Deal with police officer;
2. Earn a living doing nothing;
3. Show off an attitude that can piss your customers off;
4. Jump queues;
5. How to fart in public (without making a sound);
6. The best way to shakara (special courses on telling them “do know who I am”);
7. Brag (even when there is nothing to brag about);
8. Silence you conscience and do what benefits you (and only you).

We also conduct specialized training for professionals to include:

1. Effectively collect bribe (for law enforcement agents: we teach all the secrets things they don’t teach you in training school. Like how to collect eguje and make the “accused” think you are doing your job);
2.  Inflate prices (and use strange accents to backup the reasons for the exorbitant prices);
3. Bad time keeping (for artisans, we go further in perfecting the art cheating your clients well with fake parts and substandard goods);
4. Public transportation- the art of being an okada man, conductor and a danfo driver- [Due to the sensitivity of this sector, we also have voice coaching centres for the conductors and reckless driving techniques (for okada men and bus drivers)];
5. Health is wealth, indeed (Providing health with no compassion).

And a many more other trainings bound to make you perfectly Anyhow, thereby fit for Lagos.

Here is a comment from one of our satisfied customers:

“Hello all, My name is Peter Busayo-McPhillips. I am 39 years old. My secondary education was at Atlantic Hall, Lagos State, A-levels in Eton College, after which I attended the prestigious St Andrews University, United Kingdom and completed a Bachelor of Arts degree in the Classic. I come from a family of distinguished lawyers & professors.

After twenty years living in the United Kingdom and  France, I had to move back to Nigeria to join my sibling control the family's business (we mange a chain of hotel in 
Lagos, Port Harcourt & Abuja). 
It was tough integrating into the chaotic Nigerian system. People took advantage of my good behaviour and ethics. Not until I came to the Guy- man- no- dey- come- Last Finishing College Lagos.

Now I know how to shout “your father” in traffic.
I once bashed a danfo driver, gave him a slap and even screamed “do you know who I am” (when I was the one at fault). 
I now know how to stylishly switch on my hazard lights  & join the convoy of siren vehicles (to beat the traffic) . 
And even though I am married, I still provide Aristo services to two girls currently in the University.

Whilst living the United Kingdom, my dream was to change Nigeria. I hoped for the day Nigeria would rise to its rightful position as the Giant of Africa. That is no longer the case. All the money I make, is going towards the house I am building in Bishop’s Avenue- London. I support all the politicians (even when I am sure they don’t have a clue what they are doing) as long as they give me deals. I owe my employees six month wages. But who cares; it is all about the money for me!

Thank you Guy-man-no-dey- come-Last Finishing College Lagos; for saving my life”.

So there you have it.

Next time you meet a friends based abroad intending on relocating,  anytime you visit those butter children who attend those private (sort of boarding school) Universities who just got a job on the Island and wants your advice, when you encounter someone who wants to move to Lagos from other states within Nigeria, but hasn’t got a clue of how messed up this city is, spread the word:

“With Guy-man-no-dey-come-Last Finishing College, YOU CAN’T COME LAST IN LAGOS”.

Guy-man-no-dey-come-Last Finish College -Eko oni baje o!

Encounter with an Okada Rider

LOOKING FOR AN OKADA

“Okada...!! Kofo?”
“ Oga na N200”.

“From here to Kofo ke? Bro!! Na N100 I go pay”

“Oga , no way. Na N150 last. Dem dey catch okada for Ozumba. Na Adeola Odeku I go pass”

“I beg take N100”

Okada drives off, slowly…

“Oya wait.  I beg drive soffery”

“No wahala” was the response followed by the strong smell of palm-wine in his breath.

ON THE OKADA
Me to myself: “I had no choice; I couldn’t continue waiting at this time of the night for another bus. That naked mad man holding his winky sitting over there didn’t look extra friendly. He might decide he wants to touch my clothes”

Okada man to himself “oh boy, after I drop this man, I go buy palmwine from Nwanchukwu …..”

 Me to myself: “which sort of okada is this? There is almost no where for me to put my leg on. God I hope to I get there in one piece”

Okada man to himself “Dat Nwachukwu sef. Him papa. Why that guy no want give person jara. Na from that girl I go buy from next. Precious. The problem be say Precious own no de catch person sef. But e be like say she like prick. Okon give am sef…”

  Me to myself: “There is no substitute for this madness. See how he rides, doesn’t this guy understand brakes. Gosh man! I hope this guy doesn’t get to hit anything. This is preposterous. God I hate my boss. Always putting me under unnecessary pressure. This country is too hectic. Next time, late or no late, I will use my car”

Okada man to himself “Oh boy that girl must sabi do. See her yansh. That one shacks go finish man. I fit give am belle sef” He smiled to himself.

“Bros, se you hold change”

“Oga how much?”

“Na N1000”

“Oga I no get change oh!”

Okada man to himself “E good say I don hide all my change. All these aje butter boys. Im no go wan drag change with me. That N1,000. I fit get room for Gordon side, Precious, your orobo go precious today…”

Me to myself: “No way I am giving this drunkard more than the N150 we agreed for. Does he know how  hard I worked to get this money? This country is filled with quacks, who all they know how to do is ask and ask and ask”

“WE NEED CHANGE OH”

“Okada, park for there, under that tree”

“Oga, my money”

“Na only N1,000, I get, I no get change oh”

“Oga, you go forget the change oh! I dey run, you wan spoil my business. Abi, you wan give me the money make I go find change?”

“No way. You sabi person for here?  Na my area be this. Make I ask person for change”

“Bro" I say to the security man  "I beg you get change? I suppose pay this okada man N150 and na N1000 I get”

Security man to himself: “Idiot. Na when im need person, he go remember. Since I join this office e never give me nothing. He go dem waka dey go like say na im papa work. God go punish am. Make I give am N650. E fit kuruma forget balance, give me”

“Na only N650 I get, sir. You go take?”

 “Na! Ma worry mo so gbo?. Thank you”

Me to myself: “Obviously an undercutting ploy. Boy I can smell you from a mile. I see the way you look at me from a distance, giving me your “I_go_ school_ too” look and try to speak good English, and at the same time messing up your  tenses. Oga. Sorry, you_ just_ can’t_chop_me, sir. Not today”.

“Samuel" I say to the hawker who sells DVD just outside my office " I beg, you get change for N1,000?”

“Chai, I no get oh. I just give person all my small small change”.

DVD man to himself “this boy wey no too dey buy DVD. Na only 3 DVD he don buy out of which he return one say e no clear. All these people sef. Chai. Dem no wan lose N1”.

“Oga, please give me money make I dey go now” groans the okada man.

THE END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP

“Mallam, sanu. I beg, you get change?”.

“Yes, I get”.

Mallam to himself: “When this man go buy this im instant coffee? Na im dey buy pass before? Before na nice guy. E no dey complain about the N5 I dey put on top.”

Mallam gives me the change.

“Thank you”

“E don tey when you come greet your boy. I get am for coffee, plenty plenty”

“Na the diet wey I dey on. My doctor talk say make I no dey drink too much coffee”

Me to myself: “Rip off sucker. This thing goes for N25 in other places. I can get it for N20 if I buy in bulk.  See your hungry head, selling it for N30”

“That one good ooo! Make you greet madam for me”

Mallam to himself: “which kind diet, with this kind big belle.Bros,  I see when you dey buy digestive everyday from Goodies”

“Oga I wan dey go, I beg my money oh!”

I hand over the N150 to the okada rider. Put it in his pocket and rode away, bringing an end to our brief encounter/relationship.

On Spoken Words

I have noticed something about us, Nigerians; and I find it in spoken words.

During conversation with foreigners (someone speaking a different accent of English, most either of the Americans or the British), pronunciation of words change.
The average uncouth Nigerian begins to speak in what he or she assumes is the accent of the other person in the conversation.
Immediately a fellow Nigerian appear, the normal Naija accent for spoken English returns.

But I noticed that the accent of the person the Nigerian is speaking to, is maintained no matter where he/she is (that is at least until he acclimatizes to the environment; by then, the subconscious takes over and he speaks in the accent of the locals).

This has left me pondering:
1. Maybe we think they our versions of English are different languages; “this foreigner doesn’t understand what I said; I must translate to his language”.
2. Or could it be that we believe that our language is Pidgin English? Therefore, we must speak formally (which is the foreign way English is spoken) when a stranger is around.
3. It could be due to the mouthy way we speak English. Subtly we think this is an inferior way of communicating.
Could (3) be the right answer? Could that be why?
· Is this what make some of (obviously less sophisticated) elders sound funny in their effort to incorporate “being there slangs” in their spoken English?
· Maybe that is why the average Nigeria adjust quickly to foreign lands with ease and face a tough challenge re-adjusting back to “hot” Nigeria “after so many years” (2 years; and this dude traveled when he was over 25)”.
· Or why the media retains foreign accent speaking (or "fonee" speaking) presenters?
· Maybe that’s why this “never being there” presenter is trying to ruining my afternoon… (using words like:
> “twenny”(for twenty)
> “innit” (for isn’t it)
> “nigga” (black man)
> “big up” (Sign of respect))
…in the most awful ways?

Before you ruin my day,
just listen.
You can’t forge an accent.
Takes more than just twisting your mouth or saying "cool" words.
It describes where you are coming from,
signaling a history you have experienced
Any effort to belittle it will only be an open mockery of everything you stand for
…and noise to my ear (as you successfully done)

You accent shows generations of individuals interacting with their environment in a particular way.
It reflects how the previous owners of a land viewed the earth,
their socio-economic/ legal struggle,
what they understood by all they sensed,
And how this understanding forced them to silently the pronunciation of certain alphabets (and amplify other) the way they did
Such different use of vocal chords created different accent.
In line with the saying of the holy book that “the fathers have eaten sour grapes and the children’s teeth are set on edge”

Hey Mister,
Please do you were employed to do;
Develop qualitative & engaging contents.
Use every opportunity to speak justice, the truth and what you truly stand for.
Because, that’s what earns respect.